infinity

I rarely make the choices people want me to make. I am surrounded by people that love and care about me, the only people that could possibly know me better than I know myself. I'm pretty lucky.
I definitely have no idea who I am, or where I am going with this life, or why I was even given this life in the first place. Of course I'm thankful, I have so much to be thankful for. But I yearn for something more, is it selfish of me to feel this way? It's only natural to want more. But nothing worth anything comes without hard work.

I've worked hard. I've worked really hard. But I gave it all up and it's too late now. Its astonishing how fast you go from having the world in your hands, to having the world on top of your shoulders, weighing you down. This constant weight is overwhelming, and the root of my lack of motivation. I just don't see it in myself anymore. The ambition, the drive I once had to do something with my life. It's hard. Why is it so hard.

I think its hard because it's life, and life is difficult and stressful and so overwhelming, and yeah, maybe it does feel like the world is on my shoulders but I have keep standing. I won't crumble to the ground yet. There is always a chance to make it better.

I think about my brothers and instead of being overwhelmed with the problems in my life, I feel grateful. I feel my heart pumping blood through my veins and I think about how lucky I am to be alive and to feel love, and to feel sadness. I think about the grieving I've done in my life, the loss of loved ones, the loss of relationships, and loss of sanity and independence and I feel alright.

It's up and down and up and down and I'm spinning around in circles, starting to get dizzy. I don't know where I am right now, I don't know what comes after this, but I do know where to begin. And so I think everything is okay right now.
I'm okay.

World Spins Madly On - The Weepies

Woke up and wished that I was dead.
With an aching in my head,
I lay motionless in bed.
I thought of you and where you'd gone,
and let the world spin madly on.

So you spiral down, but when are you supposed to make your way back up again?
Hint: waiting around for it to happen -not the answer.
Life is happening all the time.

With that said, I am still thinking of running away.

Try and find me bitches.

It's been a while.

Put some cool filters on some shots from Confed. Park earlier today. I like 'em.
Also, I have no fucking clue what i'm going to do with my life.
Alrighty then, just thought I'd share that with you all.

Dreadwax, in my opinion.

So, I recently got dreadlocks. And I absolutely love them. They're hard to maintain though, I try to roll them in my palms every chance I get and I comb up the ends a lot.

I refuse to use any dreadwax in my hair. Mainly because of all the horror stories I've heard and read about online, and because it just made my hair dirty.. My hair is black so when the wax was in them all the fuzzies and stuff would stick to the wax on my hair and it just looked gross. This is where I get the perception people have that "Dreads are dirty". Yeah, they can get dirty if you put wax in them. My understanding from my own experience with the stuff, is that it's like putting glue in your hair. Gluey waxy stuff that will never come out. This is why people's dreads get moldy and stinky.... gross.

Here is one of many horror stories I found online. It's extremely interesting. Read it, and possibly weep, if you have dread wax in your hair..
http://www.dreadlockssite.com/forum/topics/what-knotty-boy-dread-wax-has

Now my hair is wax free, and my dreads are soft, clean, and on their way to being completely locked up. I can't wait to have matured dreads. Ahhh, I just love em.  Big commitment though, I had to accept that I would never have my long shiny black hair that I'd grown out for about 5 or 6 years, ever again.

.

What the hell am I doing here?

I don't belong here.

Calgary

Just some photo's I took about a month ago. I was bored so I messed around with the contrast and exposures and I think they look kinda kewl.

What I know for sure.

Sometimes I wish I had done things differently in my life. But how? I know it isn't too late to change anything I am unhappy with, but is it really, truly, up to me? How does one become "happy"? How do I take control of my own life? The irony of the situation is that I now, have more control over my life than I have ever had. 

I remember a few years back, living under my father's roof, dreaming of this point. The one where I would be the boss. Of course, my idea of "control" in those days was staying out as late as I pleased, being allowed to drink, and date, basically doing what I wanted when I wanted and without questions. 

Boy, have I experienced a rude awakening. This isn't new to me, this feeling. I feel trapped once again. The first time I really felt like this was living at home, and so I moved out on my own as soon as I got the chance to. And then as soon as I moved out, I found myself feeling the same way once again, trapped. I worked a full-time job as a florist. All I did was work, and then go home to be with my boyfriend at the time. Fun life, right? I was doing "whatever I wanted". That was the life I'd dreamed of. really?? No. No no no no no no. Fuck. That. I may not know for sure what true happiness is, but I do know what isn't. And making 17 dollars an hour, only to come home to a place that robs you of every cent you've worked so hard to earn, and a relationship that just doesn't quite make the cut, but you feel "comfortable" in, isn't my idea of happiness. 

And so, my new dream became Calgary. And I made that dream come true. If there's one thing I can honestly say about myself, it's that I always do the things I say I'll do. The goals I hold significant in my own life are special and important to me in so many ways. I think that my independence becomes more prominent, and I become a stronger person each and every time I make a dream (no matter how big or small) come true for me. 

But then I get here. And I suddenly realize, in this big city, how insignificant I am. I walk around on campus, and I see hundreds of different people. They are all doing something, they are all here for the same reason, in the same situation, and perhaps feeling the same way as I. How do I make something good of this. How do I find what makes me happy? Is it a career? A boy? A hobby? What the fuck is it. Seriously. 

I feel like I need to get out of here again. I want to see more than this. Well, I think I do. Honestly, I don't know what I want right now. All I know is:

 1. fam·i·ly

   [fam-uh-lee, fam-lee] noun, plural -lies, adjective

   a.

a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.

   b. 

a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.

It's just a concept. 

It exists for some people but for others, It's friends, anyone that cares, the ones that are closest to you no matter who they may be. Not necessarily of relation. 

2.  love

   [luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov·ing.

noun

   1.

a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.

   2.

a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.

  

It's real.

It is the one emotion that crosses every boundary, it makes you do stupid things. Personally, I say fuck it. It's too painful. 

3.  hap·pi·ness

   [hap-ee-nis] noun

   1.

the quality or state of being happy.

   2.

good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.

 

 Yeah, this definition is too vague.

It could be because it only exists for some people.. I hope one day I can put my own definition to happiness. I want to be able to say "I am Carissa, this is me. I am happy." I know it will happen, because it's my new goal. I'll be okay, I know it. 

 

 

  

 

 

 

ayyyyyy yaaayyy yayy

I slammed my hand in a door today. I really had to pee and I closed the door too soon, without taking my hand out of the frame. Oddly enough, I forgot I'd done it and looked at my hand after, and the huge purple swollen bruise by my knuckle and I was completely puzzled. I am so dense.

Also, I have a group project due tomorrow at 5 pm. I have to present with 3 other people for 20 whole minutes. Ugh. Pressure.


But I am happy :) I had a good weekend with my friends. Jesse came down to Calgary and we hung out n stuff. Climbed some trees with taytay. They are advanced, I am still a beginner; level 1.5. I'm working on it though. Because I have to try and be better than Taylor at everything.

Things are looking up, I say that a lot. The only time I don't say it is when things are looking down. Makes sense.

And Eric Janvier misses me... not surprised.

Mostly because I miss him too :)

For Eric and Sarah Jane:

So today in my "Journalism Elements" class my arm had a spasm, and knocked over my cup of scalding hot coffee. It landed all over my lap. It looked like I peed myself. It felt like I peed myself. I was stinky and dirty and I had to endure 2 more hours of stinky-ness and dirtiness, in public.

Because that's just how my life works.

Oh and by the way Sarah (Eric you might find this interesting as well),
I have been partially diagnosed with a sleeping disorder which is the cause of my months of haunting paralysis episodes. I have REM disturbance disorder. Whatever that is. I think they are wrong in their diagnosis, but I'll leave it to the neurologists to really decide. 
I also have a heart condition seen more prominently in the elderly. It has nothing to do with my unhealthy lifestyle, "That's just your heart, that's just how it's growing", says the doc. Seems fitting that something would be wrong with my heart. I figure I'm probably better off not having one at all. I hate feelings, and love. Such bullshit. Aghh my abnormal heart beats abnormally for no one.

Here's a little internet hate to spice up the holiday season.

I was going to try and pretend that this weekend wasn't thanksgiving, but it's too pointless with all of Facebook talking about how awesome it is. Hmmm, so I am thankful for netflix which has 4 seasons 90210, and my shitty res bed, and also all of the homework I have left to do. Oh boy, do I love homework. And of course I'm thankful for my baby brothers and my amazing friends. 


Everyone else can enjoy their awesome turkey, with their awesome wife, and enjoy the awesome holiday season pretending their only daughter doesn't exist. Cynical? hmm, maybe.  Unreasonable? I could be, a little. Happy? Not a chance.  


Maybe if I got a phone call once in a while, or ever. 

Family isn't always there. That's just how it is sometimes. I can say i'll just move on, and worry about the people that worry about me but it's harder than that. I'm always going to worry about them, whether they worry about me or not. So fuck you "parents", I hope you read this and care even less than you did before. In fact, I know you will. Assholes. 


:D  Happy holidays bitches. 

why.

what am i doing here.

Life is like a game of Tetris.

I didn't finish my paper on time. But I'm not worried because it's like a game of Tetris:

You know when you're doing so fuckin good, every piece is falling into place, you're getting so many points, you can perfectly lay out every move, you're just blazin through the game! 

...and then you get one of those fuckin green pieces that DON'T fit anywhere, then you hesitate and fuck everything and they all pile up. You're all like "omfg. this is it, this is the end." and then you get a long blue piece and you're saved!! 

Yup, that's how my school life is right now. Yes, like a game of Tetris. Right now I am just waiting for my long blue piece to come along and save me. 

This is a really shitty analogy. I am sorry. I just really love Tetris.

Alright.

You know what Telus? I don't care if my "e-bill" is available. I can't afford to pay it anyways, I am unemployed and living off pasta and gingerale. 

Why did I even get an Iphone? why couldn't I just settle for my old "samsung slyde"? "Slyde", being spelt the kewl way of course. It came without a data plan, had a shitty camera, and had clicky buttons that I enjoyed clicking.

and 1 GB MY ASS. My iphone goes over 1 GB in like, a week. Good thing i'm stuck with a 3 year contract, under my name. How I envy the other 18 year olds with phone plans completely taken care of by their parents.

Anyways, if I'm coming off as grumpy it's because I am. And if I'm not, then I obviously need to work harder at contextualizing my emotions. Ahhh "work harder". Will I ever work hard enough? 

Hopefully not anytime soon... I'd have nothing to blog about :)

rissa OUT. peace n' blessin's. PEACE AYAND BLESSIN'S.

jump on my train, my train of thought.

Right now I am sitting on my couch, thinking about my life. I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do. I could just be torturing myself, I suppose. Sitting on this uncomfortable red sofa, apparently they are vomit proof.. Makes sense. Alone, because I am usually alone lately. And sad, because life is hard. 

Family is supposed to always be there. Always. No exceptions. 

Yet, I find myself completely alone in the world. Why? because of one relationship. I love my Dad, more than anyone else in the world. He's endured a lot of life in 52 years. I have endured less than half what he has and I cry and whine about it everyday. I'm sad that our relationship ceases to exist right now. I'm technically disowned. It sucks, but what can ya do. 

Sometimes, accepting that you've done something wrong is all that you can do. No matter what, you can never go back and change the choices you've made. You will always, always be held accountable. This I learned when I became my own person. Sure, of course, "technically" I have always been my own person. But I am my own, in a different way now. The choices I've made lately seem so huge. I live so, so far away from the place I lived for 17 years. I chose this place to be alone, to be far away from everyone I know. And that's basically what I got. 

Is it everything I expected it to be? Is ANYTHING ever what you expect it to be? My guess is no.

I have experienced a rude awakening. And quite honestly, I just want to come home. I want to lay in my OWN bed. Not the shitty twin bed with a 4 inch foamie for a mattress. I want to wake up to the sound of Harlow running around the house, and watching wonder pets on maximum volume. Not the sound of my alarm, waking my up for my stupid english class. I want to see my Dad, and Sean. I want to laugh with them about everything and anything. I want to be with my friends, the ones that understand me. The ones I can be myself around. 

I miss everything, maybe I won't soon. But this is how I feel right now. And I'm upset about it. I guess it happens to everyone they move away from home.

For Sarah:

Today was alright. I had a 9:30 am class, "Texts and Ideas". It sucked. Then I walked home and ate a grapefruit. Fun, right? No, not really. My Wi-fi broke somehow and I had to call the school IT guys to help me fix it, they did absolutely sweet diddley fuck all. I ended up fixing it myself. Just in time to submit my Journalism in Society paper, a day late.

Anyways, other than that I am having a good day.
I really miss Sarah and Jessica, my true loves. But we will see eachother soon enough :)

How I feel right, now.

I feel a bit overwhelmed. School is a little more intense then I thought it would be. With that being said, there is not a chance I will ever settle for what Fort McMurray has to offer.

No, thank you.

I am going to finish this blog entry, and go to my 10 am class and learn stuff.

Note: I do have great respect for the City of Fort McMurray, and the Families being supported by the immense work force there. It's just not my cup of tea. I would like to see the world, whether I am a poor, unnoticed Journalist or not. But who am I kidding? Of course I'll get noticed.

Also, I am looking into studying abroad. Melbourne to be exact. Melbourne would be quite kewl... I'd have to get used to the jumbled up seasons, and Christmas over my summer holidays of course. But there's nothing I can't get used to.

Just a little of my life.

Today was a good day overall. I started it off by being late for my "Texts and Ideas" class. And as I rushed through the classroom door, I kicked over a girl's lunch (fmfl [fuck my fucking life]) luckily she said she was done with it anyway... My guess is, she probably wasn't. 

Upon sitting down, I quickly noticed I had been late for a quiz. I love quizzes. This one was on the screenplay "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind", good thing I still hadn't finished reading it. Needless to say, my results rang mediocre once again. 

After leaving class, and loving my sweet, sweet life, while also questioning my very existence (we had discussed Existentialism) I realized I just don't give a fuck. I walked my sorry ass home, and made pasta for lunch, AGAIN. And I fucking enjoyed it. In fact, it might have been the best pasta I have ever made. Why didn't I get someone else to taste it, and judge it's goodness?!.. Oh yeah, because i'm not friends with any of my roommates and they probably think i'm some sort of fucking weirdo.  

Anyways, my day did get better... No, seriously.. It actually did. Joey came over and we went to the mall, and then he drove us a little ways out of town and I got to take some kewl photographs for my Journalism Elements class :) Ta-daaaahhh