I rarely make the choices people want me to make. I am surrounded by people that love and care about me, the only people that could possibly know me better than I know myself. I'm pretty lucky.
I definitely have no idea who I am, or where I am going with this life, or why I was even given this life in the first place. Of course I'm thankful, I have so much to be thankful for. But I yearn for something more, is it selfish of me to feel this way? It's only natural to want more. But nothing worth anything comes without hard work.
I've worked hard. I've worked really hard. But I gave it all up and it's too late now. Its astonishing how fast you go from having the world in your hands, to having the world on top of your shoulders, weighing you down. This constant weight is overwhelming, and the root of my lack of motivation. I just don't see it in myself anymore. The ambition, the drive I once had to do something with my life. It's hard. Why is it so hard.
I think its hard because it's life, and life is difficult and stressful and so overwhelming, and yeah, maybe it does feel like the world is on my shoulders but I have keep standing. I won't crumble to the ground yet. There is always a chance to make it better.
I think about my brothers and instead of being overwhelmed with the problems in my life, I feel grateful. I feel my heart pumping blood through my veins and I think about how lucky I am to be alive and to feel love, and to feel sadness. I think about the grieving I've done in my life, the loss of loved ones, the loss of relationships, and loss of sanity and independence and I feel alright.
It's up and down and up and down and I'm spinning around in circles, starting to get dizzy. I don't know where I am right now, I don't know what comes after this, but I do know where to begin. And so I think everything is okay right now.