Saturday, 20 October 2012


Went for a walk today. I like going for walks here. I don't have to worry about anything :)

big realizations.

Alright, I think I'm getting back on track..

Although I feel I have lost the urge to write anything lately, I have had a sudden burst of energy and so i'm going to take advantage of it.

This past year has really been a crazy spiral of ups and downs. I have been in so many weird, uncomfortable, awkward situations, I really don't even know where to start.

I went back home. But when I got there things did not magically piece themselves back together. It's weird, I really don't know what I was thinking. I spent a lot of my time completely and utterly lost when only a few months earlier I had my whole life vaguely, but appealingly mapped out. I'm not sure what would have happened if I stuck to my original plan, I don't really want to know.. It's kind of a "too soon" kind of topic. I am still accepting the depth of the decision I made to leave the life I had planned for myself far from everyone I knew.

I chose to go against the grain. I left college unsure of what I was going to do, I didn't patch things up with my parents, and I began to realize quickly who my real friends were. It's like the fog had cleared and I could see my life and my relationships for what they were.

The future is scary to me, big commitments are scary to me. I'm actually surprised I have been able to keep my relationship strong for 8 months, mainly because I believed good guys were few and far between, but also because i'm so hot and cold, and i'm not entirely sure.. but I think my past boyfriends may have hated me for it and one in particular likely considers me a "bullet" (which he thankfully dodged). But I found myself a good guy, and we just work together.

My life is good, independence is rough, but when I seen how much my friends relied on their parents for everything, and how much control, and "say" their parents now had on their lives because of it, I remain content with my decision. I am happy I can think on my own. I respect the opinions of my elders, and those with more "life experience" than me, but I have learned from hearing these opinions that everyone is different. We all have an opinion, and we all have a different idea of what success is.

Honestly, my idea of success is happiness. It's so generic but it's true! We all want it. It is the root of everything we do.

I don't exactly know what I'm going to do in the next couple of years. But I do know that I am going to make myself happy and take it easy. Just keep my mind focused on the things that interest me, and make me happy.

And everyone who has been a blatant asshole to me can read this sentence right here and know that I have a firm, reasonable, passionate, hate for you. However, despite my hate I wish you nothing but the best in your journey of life. Because like mine, it must be hard. But unlike mine, it is probably hard for the wrong reasons (you are a selfish cunt). Soon you will figure it out.