jump on my train, my train of thought.

Right now I am sitting on my couch, thinking about my life. I wonder if anyone else feels the way I do. I could just be torturing myself, I suppose. Sitting on this uncomfortable red sofa, apparently they are vomit proof.. Makes sense. Alone, because I am usually alone lately. And sad, because life is hard. 

Family is supposed to always be there. Always. No exceptions. 

Yet, I find myself completely alone in the world. Why? because of one relationship. I love my Dad, more than anyone else in the world. He's endured a lot of life in 52 years. I have endured less than half what he has and I cry and whine about it everyday. I'm sad that our relationship ceases to exist right now. I'm technically disowned. It sucks, but what can ya do. 

Sometimes, accepting that you've done something wrong is all that you can do. No matter what, you can never go back and change the choices you've made. You will always, always be held accountable. This I learned when I became my own person. Sure, of course, "technically" I have always been my own person. But I am my own, in a different way now. The choices I've made lately seem so huge. I live so, so far away from the place I lived for 17 years. I chose this place to be alone, to be far away from everyone I know. And that's basically what I got. 

Is it everything I expected it to be? Is ANYTHING ever what you expect it to be? My guess is no.

I have experienced a rude awakening. And quite honestly, I just want to come home. I want to lay in my OWN bed. Not the shitty twin bed with a 4 inch foamie for a mattress. I want to wake up to the sound of Harlow running around the house, and watching wonder pets on maximum volume. Not the sound of my alarm, waking my up for my stupid english class. I want to see my Dad, and Sean. I want to laugh with them about everything and anything. I want to be with my friends, the ones that understand me. The ones I can be myself around. 

I miss everything, maybe I won't soon. But this is how I feel right now. And I'm upset about it. I guess it happens to everyone they move away from home.