Sometimes I wish I had done things differently in my life. But how? I know it isn't too late to change anything I am unhappy with, but is it really, truly, up to me? How does one become "happy"? How do I take control of my own life? The irony of the situation is that I now, have more control over my life than I have ever had.
I remember a few years back, living under my father's roof, dreaming of this point. The one where I would be the boss. Of course, my idea of "control" in those days was staying out as late as I pleased, being allowed to drink, and date, basically doing what I wanted when I wanted and without questions.
Boy, have I experienced a rude awakening. This isn't new to me, this feeling. I feel trapped once again. The first time I really felt like this was living at home, and so I moved out on my own as soon as I got the chance to. And then as soon as I moved out, I found myself feeling the same way once again, trapped. I worked a full-time job as a florist. All I did was work, and then go home to be with my boyfriend at the time. Fun life, right? I was doing "whatever I wanted". That was the life I'd dreamed of. really?? No. No no no no no no. Fuck. That. I may not know for sure what true happiness is, but I do know what isn't. And making 17 dollars an hour, only to come home to a place that robs you of every cent you've worked so hard to earn, and a relationship that just doesn't quite make the cut, but you feel "comfortable" in, isn't my idea of happiness.
And so, my new dream became Calgary. And I made that dream come true. If there's one thing I can honestly say about myself, it's that I always do the things I say I'll do. The goals I hold significant in my own life are special and important to me in so many ways. I think that my independence becomes more prominent, and I become a stronger person each and every time I make a dream (no matter how big or small) come true for me.
But then I get here. And I suddenly realize, in this big city, how insignificant I am. I walk around on campus, and I see hundreds of different people. They are all doing something, they are all here for the same reason, in the same situation, and perhaps feeling the same way as I. How do I make something good of this. How do I find what makes me happy? Is it a career? A boy? A hobby? What the fuck is it. Seriously.
I feel like I need to get out of here again. I want to see more than this. Well, I think I do. Honestly, I don't know what I want right now. All I know is:
a.
a basic social unit consisting of parents and their children, considered as a group, whether dwelling together or not: the traditional family.
b.
a social unit consisting of one or more adults together with the children they care for: a single-parent family.
It's just a concept.
It exists for some people but for others, It's friends, anyone that cares, the ones that are closest to you no matter who they may be. Not necessarily of relation.
2. love
[luhv] noun, verb, loved, lov·ing. 1.
a profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person.
2.
a feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend.
It's real.
It is the one emotion that crosses every boundary, it makes you do stupid things. Personally, I say fuck it. It's too painful.
3. hap·pi·ness
[hap-ee-nis] noun 1.
the quality or state of being happy.
2.
good fortune; pleasure; contentment; joy.
Yeah, this definition is too vague.
It could be because it only exists for some people.. I hope one day I can put my own definition to happiness. I want to be able to say "I am Carissa, this is me. I am happy." I know it will happen, because it's my new goal. I'll be okay, I know it.
This specific blog was so eloquently put together. The ending made me smile. I love you.
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