Today

Went for a walk today. I like going for walks here. I don't have to worry about anything :)

big realizations.

Alright, I think I'm getting back on track..

Although I feel I have lost the urge to write anything lately, I have had a sudden burst of energy and so i'm going to take advantage of it.

This past year has really been a crazy spiral of ups and downs. I have been in so many weird, uncomfortable, awkward situations, I really don't even know where to start.

I went back home. But when I got there things did not magically piece themselves back together. It's weird, I really don't know what I was thinking. I spent a lot of my time completely and utterly lost when only a few months earlier I had my whole life vaguely, but appealingly mapped out. I'm not sure what would have happened if I stuck to my original plan, I don't really want to know.. It's kind of a "too soon" kind of topic. I am still accepting the depth of the decision I made to leave the life I had planned for myself far from everyone I knew.

I chose to go against the grain. I left college unsure of what I was going to do, I didn't patch things up with my parents, and I began to realize quickly who my real friends were. It's like the fog had cleared and I could see my life and my relationships for what they were.

The future is scary to me, big commitments are scary to me. I'm actually surprised I have been able to keep my relationship strong for 8 months, mainly because I believed good guys were few and far between, but also because i'm so hot and cold, and i'm not entirely sure.. but I think my past boyfriends may have hated me for it and one in particular likely considers me a "bullet" (which he thankfully dodged). But I found myself a good guy, and we just work together.

My life is good, independence is rough, but when I seen how much my friends relied on their parents for everything, and how much control, and "say" their parents now had on their lives because of it, I remain content with my decision. I am happy I can think on my own. I respect the opinions of my elders, and those with more "life experience" than me, but I have learned from hearing these opinions that everyone is different. We all have an opinion, and we all have a different idea of what success is.

Honestly, my idea of success is happiness. It's so generic but it's true! We all want it. It is the root of everything we do.

I don't exactly know what I'm going to do in the next couple of years. But I do know that I am going to make myself happy and take it easy. Just keep my mind focused on the things that interest me, and make me happy.

And everyone who has been a blatant asshole to me can read this sentence right here and know that I have a firm, reasonable, passionate, hate for you. However, despite my hate I wish you nothing but the best in your journey of life. Because like mine, it must be hard. But unlike mine, it is probably hard for the wrong reasons (you are a selfish cunt). Soon you will figure it out.

Raised by wolves.

Parents are overrated. Thanks for keeping me alive while I was a useless infant and then abandoning me when I need you the most. My dad always told people he found me in the forest behind a rock, and I had been raised by wolves. I wish,  it would have made a way better story.

infinity

I rarely make the choices people want me to make. I am surrounded by people that love and care about me, the only people that could possibly know me better than I know myself. I'm pretty lucky.
I definitely have no idea who I am, or where I am going with this life, or why I was even given this life in the first place. Of course I'm thankful, I have so much to be thankful for. But I yearn for something more, is it selfish of me to feel this way? It's only natural to want more. But nothing worth anything comes without hard work.

I've worked hard. I've worked really hard. But I gave it all up and it's too late now. Its astonishing how fast you go from having the world in your hands, to having the world on top of your shoulders, weighing you down. This constant weight is overwhelming, and the root of my lack of motivation. I just don't see it in myself anymore. The ambition, the drive I once had to do something with my life. It's hard. Why is it so hard.

I think its hard because it's life, and life is difficult and stressful and so overwhelming, and yeah, maybe it does feel like the world is on my shoulders but I have keep standing. I won't crumble to the ground yet. There is always a chance to make it better.

I think about my brothers and instead of being overwhelmed with the problems in my life, I feel grateful. I feel my heart pumping blood through my veins and I think about how lucky I am to be alive and to feel love, and to feel sadness. I think about the grieving I've done in my life, the loss of loved ones, the loss of relationships, and loss of sanity and independence and I feel alright.

It's up and down and up and down and I'm spinning around in circles, starting to get dizzy. I don't know where I am right now, I don't know what comes after this, but I do know where to begin. And so I think everything is okay right now.
I'm okay.

World Spins Madly On - The Weepies

Woke up and wished that I was dead.
With an aching in my head,
I lay motionless in bed.
I thought of you and where you'd gone,
and let the world spin madly on.

So you spiral down, but when are you supposed to make your way back up again?
Hint: waiting around for it to happen -not the answer.
Life is happening all the time.

With that said, I am still thinking of running away.

Try and find me bitches.

It's been a while.

Put some cool filters on some shots from Confed. Park earlier today. I like 'em.
Also, I have no fucking clue what i'm going to do with my life.
Alrighty then, just thought I'd share that with you all.

Dreadwax, in my opinion.

So, I recently got dreadlocks. And I absolutely love them. They're hard to maintain though, I try to roll them in my palms every chance I get and I comb up the ends a lot.

I refuse to use any dreadwax in my hair. Mainly because of all the horror stories I've heard and read about online, and because it just made my hair dirty.. My hair is black so when the wax was in them all the fuzzies and stuff would stick to the wax on my hair and it just looked gross. This is where I get the perception people have that "Dreads are dirty". Yeah, they can get dirty if you put wax in them. My understanding from my own experience with the stuff, is that it's like putting glue in your hair. Gluey waxy stuff that will never come out. This is why people's dreads get moldy and stinky.... gross.

Here is one of many horror stories I found online. It's extremely interesting. Read it, and possibly weep, if you have dread wax in your hair..
http://www.dreadlockssite.com/forum/topics/what-knotty-boy-dread-wax-has

Now my hair is wax free, and my dreads are soft, clean, and on their way to being completely locked up. I can't wait to have matured dreads. Ahhh, I just love em.  Big commitment though, I had to accept that I would never have my long shiny black hair that I'd grown out for about 5 or 6 years, ever again.